An Open Letter: Quarters, Bitch!

To all you sad bastards who never noticed the last decade of commemorative US State Quarters:

I know that it’s 2009 and I should just let it go.  It’s almost six months since the final release of the Hawaii state quarter, not my favorite of designs, but nonetheless a triumphant climax to one of the most ambitious projects in the history of the US Mint.  Not that you would know.

Back in 1999, I was able to handle you.  I could understand that you might not have noticed Delaware when it first crossed your palm;  I was even patient over a year later when you had no idea that you were holding a scene of pastoral beauty.  I gave you a major grace period.  But by the time Arizona was released I just couldn’t take it anymore.  That’s three goddamned years I gave you!  “O Yeah,” you’d say in an unblinking haze of dim comprehension, ” I think my kid collects these.”   That’s why a television show exists called “Are You Smarter Than a Third Grader?” 

I wouldn’t have bothered to discuss this with you it I didn’t need to justify why I was rooting around the change in your tip jar so intently.   I’m not some cheater who just runs to the bank upon a new state quarter release. No. I found them natural.  And let me tell you, I’m laughing my ass off every time I see that Franklin Mint commercial selling them to you suckers for a hundred dollars.  Honestly, I didn’t expect much.  I knew we probably weren’t going to have a spirited debate contrasting the use of negative space in the Vermont and Maine quarters.  I didn’t bother engaging you in a discussion of why Iowa chose a pastoral schoolhouse scene over Grant Wood’s “American Gothic.”  And I didn’t expect empathy or understanding when I confessed that I was feeling suicidal tendencies as the release of the final quarters was approaching.

So that covers all you randoms, but unfortunately now we have to move on to friends and family.  I invited you into my home, where I proudly display my commemorative US map with a special place for each state quarter. And then you chastise me!  “Bergl, what the hell, don’t you have all these yet?”   Because it was 2001, bitches, and no, they were not “all out yet.”  The US Mint isn’t some magical fairy!  Read the fucking map!  I know you’re probably not capable of inferring from the timeline listed directly that they were being released every 10 weeks in the order they joined our great union.  But Jesus, it’s spelled out for you right in front of your goddamn face.    And thank you for the sage advice.  They’re not going to hold value because they’re not in mint condition?  Really?  There goes my kid’s college fund!

As to the possibility that there are still some of you out there who still don’t know, I’m not even addressing you fuckwads.  I can’t even wrap my mind around that concept.  The one or two of you out there who thought a bicentennial quarter was a state quarter, I might forgive, but if you still don’t know what’ up, I am not giving you purgatory.  There is special circle in my hell for you.

And to all you assmugglers back in ’99 who claimed “You’ll never still have that map up in 2008,” this is a personal invitation to come lick all 50 in 2009.  And these babies have been through circulation.  Enjoy!

–Emily Bergl

PS.  Beginning in 2010 the US Mint will be releasing a new National State quarter every 10 weeks.  Please, for the love of God, get your shit together by then.