Cut It Out: The Coupon Bandit Is The Shiznit

Hey bitches. Hold up, lemme do this line real quick. Brrr, that’s some cold shit.

OK, what’s up. I’m – well, my real name is none of your biznizz. I’m invisible, yo. I’m one of those, like, unassuming honkies you peep at Ralph’s or Vons or wherever you get your fuckin’ lame-ass groceries. But here’s something you’d never guesstimate …

I’m the Coupon Bandit, yo.

No one saves more coin on groceries than me. Single MILFs, move aside. Elderly ho’s, get to the back of the line.

My coupon holder is bigger than a breakfast sausage. If it had one elastic instead of two, it’d spooge all over the place.

Saving mad money on groceries makes me go all multiball, yo. Banging hot blond bitches and doing rails with rock stars is almost as tight. But chronic supermarket savings is da bomb.

When I score big, like a bandit – I’m talking all expired double coupons and shit – it’s like jacking a bank, except I can go all LOL on the security guards when I bounce.

As my homies – naaah, ALL the peeps in my ‘hood – know, I destroy grocery stores with my incredible feats of save-ry. From throwing down 50 cents for a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes to less than a buck for a bottle of Bull’s Eye Barbeque Sauce (any variety), I flip a little bit of coupon-cutting into some hard-core cost-cutting. I’ve got these places PWNED.

Shit, my adventures are of legend. Once a cashier even paid ME moolah ($1.30) for buying a bag of Fresh Express lettuce and jar of Prego pasta sauce. But sadly, those were the OG days when Ralph’s took double coupons even if they were ova a dolla.

Saving bread on bread is an art of the most epical of proportions. You gotta get it just right, like sliding your wang through hot cooch. I keep it so real that I couldn’t even begin to instructicate you on how to score as big as I do. But I’m getting some sweet stacks to write this, so here is a few dope tips.

1. Small talk can lead to big savings, yo. Conversate with the cashier. About whateva. “You keepin’ it real in here or what, little man?” “Shit, what’s that funky smell in Aisle 5?” “If my pubes is all itchy, does that mean I gotta give up the snatch?” See, while you been chatting him up, he totally spaced on noticing that half your coupons is expired.

2. Bag your own groceries for your own self. How can the cashier slam you for having expired coupons if you’re doing buggerlugs a solid?

3. Exsqueeze me, “Expired”? The word shouldn’t even be in your, whatchamccallit, vocabulary. Just last week, I had some expired 2004 coupon action going on. Damn right they took them. There’s no “no” in “coupon” (unless you spell “on” backward or some crazy shit).

4. Use the “back door” approach. If you got a whole mess of coupons, slide the expired ones into the bottom of the pile, dumbass. That way maybe dude doesn’t notice.

5. Know your cashier. Rememberize their face like they put a cap in your momma. Like you spent a night boning their ass. Like you got them all wasted all night and when you woked up after passing out they had totally bounced and yoinked all your yay. If the cashier acts all cold to you, dodge them like they just left you with a farting gift.

Yo, I’ve got more lines and Cristal – and some wet hot tail for shizzle – waiting for me, but I hope I was able to be of service to you dumbasses.

Smell ya later bitches,

- The Coupon Bandit