<em>Rants in My Pants:</em> Perez Hilton Edition

On Sunday night, somewhere in Canada, Perez Hilton got knocked the fuck out.  Well, technically, he was ALLEGEDLY punched in the face by will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas and/or possibly will’s manager and/or possibly a Black Eyed Peas fan.  Secretly, I hope it was all three.

And then he Twittered about it.
@PerezHilton OMG WTF. Seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

Now, before we get into the fact that his black eye outranked John & Kate (another topic I truly do not understand), it’s important to really read what he has to say:

I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.

Really?  You’re in shock?  At no point in your life did you think that writing shit on your blog and yelling homophobic slurs in public to people with an entourage would lead to this? Doesn’t he know the police don’t respond to Twitter? Idiot.

I was assaulted… I am bleeding… etc etc.

Dude, you got punched in the face. Honestly, it’s amazing that this didn’t happen sooner.*

*For the record, I do not condone violence of any kind.  However, if you make your living by being the biggest douche bag in Hollywood… You MUST know this kind of recourse is inevitable.  (And for the record, being the biggest douche bag in Hollywood is really, really hard.)

Still waiting for the police…

Fine, hitting someone is assault.  But have you started to look deep within yourself and wonder why no one is coming to your aid? Why your “fans” apparently aren’t calling the police for you?  Dude, you’re bleeding on the streets of Canada – where everyone is nice – and you haven’t gotten ANY help?

I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities… Need them here.

Have you even considered the circumstances that led up to the assault and how they could have been avoided? I didn’t think so.  You did not get kicked in the stomach with a steel-toed boot.  You did not get into a disturbance with Chris Brown.  Put on an ice pack and go to bed. Man up, Hilton.

@MileyCyrus No. I am not kidding. That is not something to kid about. I’m still in shock.

Well, when all else fails, call in Hannah Montana.

And then the Twitterverse responded, mostly with remarks like:

@mizsolodolo: Perez Hilton is an overacting fag! If I ever met him, I would punch him the fuck out too! He needs to shut the hell up sometimes! lmao

@whitleydallas: PEREZ HILTON IS A WASTE OF SKIN (REALLY)

@naquin316: I would have hit Perez Hilton too!

Classy. But, really, what other kind of backlash could you possibly expect when microblogging about a black eye from a Black Eyed Pea?

Perez Hilton is a bully. He is an untalented blight on humanity that made his name by forcing actors out of the closet.  He is a starfucker and a crybaby who has pushed his way into the public eye by drawing dicks on paparazzi photos.  And he looks like an overgrown Oompa Loompa. The fact that he writes terrible things about everyone but Tori Spelling and yet feigns shock that few – if any – are coming to his support is laughable.

So enter John Mayer.

Mayer’s response to Hilton’s whining was brilliant – funny, cutting, brilliantly timed.  And what does Perez do? Reacts exactly how you would expect – with ill-formed sentences and sad faces.  So now there’s a Twitter war between one of the most hated men on the Interwebs and one of the most loved.  And I’m sure it’ll go one for awhile.  And technically I can update this piece all day, but I’m *really* trying to push #NoGoCookingShow up the list.

– Lizz Westman