The Excederinorcist

EXT. SHADOWY GEORGETOWN STREET — NIGHT

MASTER SHOT: Under a lone street lamp, a man wrapped in a winter coat and hat clutches a bag as he approaches a large, stately home. The vapor of his labored breath rises into the surrounding fog, split dramatically by a shaft of light from a house window—just like, unmistakably, the iconic scene from The Exorcist.

CLOSE UP ON: This man, our PRIEST CHARACTER, looking pained, rubbing his temples.

INT. STAIRCASE — MOMENTS LATER

Terrible, unnatural noises emanate from an upstairs room. While the PRIEST CHARACTER walks up, a RABBI walks down, looking exhausted.

PRIEST
(nodding hello) Jacob.

RABBI
This one’s a handful, Sean.

INT. EXORCISM BEDROOM — A LITTLE LATER

POSSESSED TEENAGER
Your mother licks cash machine touch
screens in hell… heh-heh-heh…

CLOSE UP ON: The PRIEST CHARACTER, exasperated, rifles through his bag—yanking out vials of holy water, crucifixes, ropes, chains, band-aids, his copy of “Priests Are From Venus, Possessed Are From Mars”—while the teenager unleashes her relentless verbal abuse…

POSSESSED TEENAGER
You’ve got ring around the collar, you’ve
got ring around the collar…

TIGHT ON: The PRIEST CHARACTER struggles with a generic aspirin bottle …

PRIEST
(losing it) No I do not!

WHEN SUDDENLY THE ASPIRIN SPILLS EVERYWHERE

PRIEST
(to the camera) Last thing I need now is a headache…

HE IS SUDDENLY SHOWERED WITH VOMIT

INT. BATHROOM — MOMENTS LATER The PRIEST CHARACTER cleans up in front of a mirror (and quickly checks to see if he has ring around the collar) when he notices a bottle of Extra Strength Excedrin.

PRIEST
(reading) The Excedrin Guarantee… hmmm…

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. EXORCISM BEDROOM — LATER The PRIEST CHARACTER is completely refreshed, like a new man. Frustrated, the POSSESSED TEENAGER goes off in a fury, sending furniture crashing around the room…

Dramatically, the priest holds up a boombox. Suddenly suspicious, the POSSESSED TEENAGER becomes quiet, chest heaving.

PRIEST
Ashley Simpson.

(beat)

Live.

AND WITH THAT, HE GOES TO PUSH THE BUTTON

POSSESSED TEENAGER
(as her head spins around) Noooooooooo….!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BOWLING ALLEY — LATER THAT NIGHT A group of priests and rabbis interrupt their beer-soaked game to boisterously welcome our priest character.

CUT TO Jacob the RABBI handing him a beer.

RABBI
That was fast!

PRIEST
(to camera, smiling) Thanks to Extra Strength Excedrin.

FREEZE-FRAME

VOICE-OVER
Extra Strength Excedrin. Give your headache hell.

FADE OUT.

by The World’s Greatest Unsung Advertising Copywriter