Help Wanted: Adult Babysitter

Wanted: Gatekeeper — adult babysitter, if you will. Executive caretaker required for successful, high-functioning middle manager. Hours are 8pm to bedtime (12:30-1 AM). Here’s how it works: You’d come over, do some cooking and cleaning, iron an outfit for the next day, pack my lunch. Do NOT let me leave the house under any circumstances. You’ll answer the phone and make sure I do not receive phone calls from anyone who sounds drunk or really happy.  Nor shall I become drunk during your shift. Or leave the house. That’s your job. Your shift concludes upon tucking me into and making sure I am asleep. MAKE SURE I AM ASLEEP. Then you can go. Mondays-Thursdays. EOE.

Inquiries are confidential. Reply to OldandDeadCo@gmail.com

The Gum Photographs Bottle Beach

In a remote section of New York called Dead Horse Bay, the contents of a closed landfill are being revealed bit by bit through the process of erosion along the coastline. Thousands of bottles, old shoes and other items discarded in the 1940′s and 50′s and earlier are now being ejected onto the beach every day with the rising and falling of the tides.

Top Ten Signs Your Business is Going to Fail

10. There’s someone at your desk selling extended warranties over the phone.

9. Congress is talking about making your salary illegal.

8. Your boss is calling you collect. From prison.

7. Advertising your products is now discussed in terms of “tweets.”

6. The Chinese are now outsourcing the manufacture of your product … to you.

5. Your manager just drinks all day under his desk.

4. The bathrooms stop being cleaned.

3. A real estate agent is showing your office.

2. You manufacture small, mylar personal blimps.

1. You and your colleagues earn decent, middle-class salaries.

DRUNK FOODZ!!! Today: The Foreman Test Kitchen

In this episode of the Drinker’s Table, Drunk Foodz Edition, we explore highly convenient foods cooked on the countertop grill. These are kind of foods that seemingly make themselves in your kitchen late at night, after the drinking is done. The recipes for these foods are often only discerned later, in the morning or late afternoon or early to late evening of the following day. Sometimes the food itself may be forgotten, but the enjoyment was clearly there, and now it’s waiting to be cleaned in your kitchen. Sometimes the Foreman Grill might remain on throughout the evening. The recipes need to be carefully reconstructed from the scene using the powers of observation, combined with one’s imagination and dim memories. These are the Drunk Foods.

Today: The Feastable Foreman with Wendy Mitchell

I had a somewhat obsessive relationship with my George Foreman grill. I think (or hope) it started because of my tiny New York apartments, where using the oven on meant heating up the whole place to ungodly temperatures. Plus, stovetops and ovens are soooo 20th century! A famous boxer inexplicably invented an indoor grill and it’s our duty to make the most of it.

I’m not quite sure when I moved on from the obvious chicken breasts and grilled cheese sandwiches to more adventurous fare. It might have been around the time when I was writing a book about dive bars — coming home tipsy and firing Georgie up because it was the quickest, easiest way to eat.

But even sober, these “recipes” have become my staples. You don’t need a fancy Foreman, just one of the $20 models will do.

Herewith, unexpected treats from a George Foreman grill:

Breakfast

Grill up some Cinnamon Toast. Get a slice of bread, butter it, dash of sugar, dash of cinnamon, slap it on the grill and the contact with the grill will turn the mixture into a nice caramelized topping. French toast also works as well, but I haven’t tried pancakes (yet) — you may have to watch the Foreman tilt with the runny batter.

It’s Democracy When I Say So

Laughably, The Wall Street Journal‘s Mary Anastasia O’Grady would have you believe Honduras’ widely condemned military coup was all about protecting democracy. Silly Mary.

But, hey, it’s not like her brand of fascist-friendly insanity doesn’t garner fans. We raided her inbox to bring you one especially illuminating sample:

From: Jim Schmitd
To: O'Grady@wsj.com
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 11:50 PM
Subject: Thank you...

…for setting the world straight on Honduras.

GUMpics: Remembering the King of Pop

Michael Jackson fans gather to watch the Staples Center memorial service on jumbotron televisions in Times Square. Photo by Andy Kropa

Captain’s Log: 3 Rivers Arts Festival

The 3 Rivers Arts Festival sucks. I don’t know how many more pottery and jewelry booths I can take. I saw 5 decent painters here out of 300 exhibitors. Corporate sponsor Burt’s Bees waxy products has the best work here.  Other than the Gyro sandwiches.

I’m sitting at the center of the park facing the main stage. The Melody Makers are playing here tonight – I anticipate seeing a lot of hippies. The sun is just baking me.